Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
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*seductively peels off lederhosen
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?