@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

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@NewDadNotes

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

@ColoradoUgly

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

@DurtMcHurtt

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

@david8hughes

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

@Sanbel11

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

@teacup_giraffe

Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say “What’s up, Chad?” & he’ll be all “Whoa… How’d you know my name, bro?”

@lucidchemistry

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

@curlycomedy

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.