Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say “What’s up, Chad?” & he’ll be all “Whoa… How’d you know my name, bro?”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.