Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
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what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.