Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
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What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.