ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
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I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class