[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
You Might Also Like
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.