Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
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The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Morning my dudes.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR