@dave_cactus

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

@girl_a_whirl

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

@recursivetaco

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

@1evilidiot

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human