ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
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When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’