ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

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10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.


Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.


If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.


Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.


Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.


Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.


Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human