ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
You Might Also Like
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
pizza
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.