This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
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Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
wtf management?!
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.