Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
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do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Hmm, not sure about this change
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most