@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?

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@LizHackett

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

@MissHavisham

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

@Jake_Vig

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

@mexinonblonde

Him-You have the most beautiful lips.

Me-Wait…how do you know what my…..
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.
Thank you.

@geowizzacist

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

@butterwolf

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

@XplodingUnicorn

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

@batkaren

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

@clichedout

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand