I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Lmao
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey