Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?

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I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.


I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.


Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”


Him-You have the most beautiful lips.

Me-Wait…how do you know what my…..
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.
Thank you.


Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.


[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.


Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.


How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?


A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand