me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
You Might Also Like
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
only 11 steps left
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”