me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.


My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side


Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?


“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.


Went out to dinner last night & the hostess asked me “Where would you like to sit?” I replied “preferably on a seat.” #accomplished


In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.


[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.


I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.


I wanna see the where are they now episodes of all the women on these christmas movies that threw away their multi-million dollar jobs to fall in love with the poor tree farmer
Bet there’s regrets


Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet