@CAshmanActor

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

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@SardonicTart

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

@biatchppplease

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

@TheAlexNevil

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

@kimtopher22

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

@LimeyTheGreat

Went out to dinner last night & the hostess asked me “Where would you like to sit?” I replied “preferably on a seat.” #accomplished

@TonyWIVK

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

@ErrenMichaels

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

@Billhenry16

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

@LaLa_Lyds

I wanna see the where are they now episodes of all the women on these christmas movies that threw away their multi-million dollar jobs to fall in love with the poor tree farmer
Bet there’s regrets

@CatsVsHumanity

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet