Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
You Might Also Like
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?