@coketruck76

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

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@torlangi_danish

Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap

@NeinQuarterly

A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”

@TheHyyyype

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

@continentlbkfst

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

@Phoebetate

I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.

@shutupmikeginn

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

@ticknada

Girls holding hands with gay guys, you don’t fool me. Oh that’s your bf. You still don’t fool me.

@PharmerRPh

Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.