Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”

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Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap


A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”


airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass


date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*


I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.


Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!


Girls holding hands with gay guys, you don’t fool me. Oh that’s your bf. You still don’t fool me.


Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.