Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
You Might Also Like
put ‘er there pardner!
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.