@thedad

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

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@STOTLE

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

@Awesomemom10

Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.

@SteveDutzy

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

@SondraDeeMe

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

@girlneuy

“Give me pizza or give me death…” my history loving son’s version of a threat.

@longwall26

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

@sfreeze6

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

@PinkCamoTO

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

@lisaxy424

Me: I’d kill for a body like that
Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c-
Me: yeah I’d rather kill

@AndyAsAdjective

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”