I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
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[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.