Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
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GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
What kind of a cult is this?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.