me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
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Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Botany good plants lately?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.