Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
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succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
new shirt idea
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet