me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

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just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.


Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal


What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms


Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.


Nothing says ‘I dont take you seriously’ like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.


you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.


When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove


My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.


Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws


I wish boxing was like wrestling so when the ref was distracted Manny Pacquiao would run in & hit Floyd Mayweather with a Stone Cold Stunner