just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
me: i’m late
me: it’s yours
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Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I wish boxing was like wrestling so when the ref was distracted Manny Pacquiao would run in & hit Floyd Mayweather with a Stone Cold Stunner