me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
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He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.