Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
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You ran a half-marathon? Wow! Half congratulations!
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
The past, the present & the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
Hello. I’m the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.