Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
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CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Good advice.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong