Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

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Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.


“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)


A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.


exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun


Me: [being arrested] how did you find me?

Detective: literally crumbs


I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.


*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”


date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]


Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.