Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
You Might Also Like
Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep
GOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My dentist said I have a very wet mouth.
*Updates dating profile.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky