@chuuew

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

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@jonnysun

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

@summerofbenny

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

@1Happytwit

Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.

@Gupton68

When my kids were young, I considered starting a business renting them out to friends who were tired of being asked by moms and nannas when they were going to start a family.

Now I’d just give them away to the first reasonably normal looking person who asked.

@FunnyIsFamily

5yo: “Mom, will you get me a yogurt?”
Me: “You’re closer to the fridge.”
5yo: *moves to the other side of the room* “Now you’re closer.”

@ChiChiGreenblat

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

@EJGomez

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

@mack44_d

It’s not that I don’t love my family…

…but I do find myself flagging down white vans quite a bit lately.