ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
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If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
smartest karate player in the world
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!