ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
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Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
what
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K