Me: I’m nauseous.
WebMD: Stop looking in the mirror.

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<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.


I put on my pants just like the rest of you, once or twice a month because of an appointment.


Me: How much for the selfie stick?

Him: Sir, that’s an Olsen twin.

Me: I’ll take it.


I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined


I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.


[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.


If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.


*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs