@Vodkantots

Me: I’m nauseous.
WebMD: Stop looking in the mirror.

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@krisv_723

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

@Big_Cat74

I put on my pants just like the rest of you, once or twice a month because of an appointment.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: How much for the selfie stick?

Him: Sir, that’s an Olsen twin.

Me: I’ll take it.

@faiza__tg

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

@thegreatnanak

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

@bingowings14

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

@SondraDeeMe

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

@Marlebean

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..