Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
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– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*