@Ygrene

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

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@BromanConsul

My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.

@fuzzypantaloons

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

@3sunzzz

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

@Gupton68

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

@dave_cactus

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

@AliyanShaikh

Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you’ll look really stupid.

@SondraDeeMe

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

@KeetPotato

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them