Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
You Might Also Like
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.