My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you’ll look really stupid.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID