Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
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Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy