@AmericanGent69

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

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@jwoodham

[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra]
HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus.

@Sir_Strange

– Your Honor, I’d like to plead insanity.
– On what grounds?!
– I’m married.
– I’ll allow it.

@slaughthie

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

@trentistweeting

[2 paintings talking]
“hey man, guess what im doing this weekend?”
please dont say it
“JUST HANGING!”
i wanna move to a different gallery

@robdelaney

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

@daemonic3

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

@DocAroundThClok

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

@TheAlexP

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

@Aikiwomannc

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.