ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
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I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
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Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.