@CArmanthegirl

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

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@jergarl

I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.

@goodballs

Call me crazy but you can’t follow, star, retweet, and trophy me and then act surprised when I show up to your house in a wedding dress.

@BradBroaddus

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

@2browneyedboys

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

@LadyJanieGeek

Came downstairs to find my 85 year old mum watching the TV
Me:” Why are you watching Thatcher’s funeral?”
Mum: “Just to make sure”

@jeffswarens

Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.

@FailShark

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

@AimeeHelene1

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

@molly7anne

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician