I’ve never actually finished the song “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake because I’m afraid I’ll be naked by the end.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
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Call me crazy but you can’t follow, star, retweet, and trophy me and then act surprised when I show up to your house in a wedding dress.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Came downstairs to find my 85 year old mum watching the TV
Me:” Why are you watching Thatcher’s funeral?”
Mum: “Just to make sure”
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician