Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
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if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.