me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace