Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
You Might Also Like
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
called in thicc to work this morning
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms