Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
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the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?