Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

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It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.


“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards


We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.


My psychiatrist tells me it’s just transference, but I’m pretty sure I love anyone who will listen to my problems armed with a prescription pad.


“Welcome to the jungle”
“We’ve got fun and games”
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?


pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates


[walking through park with date]

Did u know there’s more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange

[blood is just pouring from my mouth]


You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…


Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.