Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
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You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?