@sixfootcandy

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

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@jayleno

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

@rickygervais

I’m hoping the nuclear strike button & the trap-door for hecklers button on Trump’s desk are completely different colours.

@mooodles

‘My train was late’ should be enough excuse to take the day off. Bosses please note.

@mrsmith196645

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

@Papa_Mex

When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room

@BeTheCookie

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

@TheNardvark

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

@InternetHippo

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea