Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

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“Grab a Pop Tart!” I tell my kids as I’m mixing up the dogs’ breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.


Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.


“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”


Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!



Me: Wake up


Me: We’re late


Me: The house is on fire


Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*


what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti


I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.


She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen


My eyes physically can’t roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.



“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?