@sixfootcandy

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

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@AverageCorners

“Grab a Pop Tart!” I tell my kids as I’m mixing up the dogs’ breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.

@Shade510

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

@juneohara65

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

@AmishPornStar1

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

@nakeyjakey

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

@daplusk

I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.

@mattytalks

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

@KPsych29

My eyes physically can’t roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.

@ericsshadow

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?