In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
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I’m hoping the nuclear strike button & the trap-door for hecklers button on Trump’s desk are completely different colours.
‘My train was late’ should be enough excuse to take the day off. Bosses please note.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea