Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
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“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I was making breakfast, then “She’s a maniac” came on the radio… Everything is a blur.
Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?
I forgot about this hilarious exchange
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex. he is a small arms dealer.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months