@MrEd_EVH

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

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@StellaRtwot

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

@Fred_Delicious

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

@nayele18maybe

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

@Nahdude83

I was making breakfast, then “She’s a maniac” came on the radio… Everything is a blur.
Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?

@stevevsninjas

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

@Camel_Crushin

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

@HatfieldAnne

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

@TheHyyyype

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months