Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
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My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
(2022)
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home