Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
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I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.