Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks