Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*


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Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do


A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it’s on his ring finger, he’s married. If it’s not, he’s a guy who wears rings.


Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot


Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.


FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don


If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.


Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.


Answering: How are you?

-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀


Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.