Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
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me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
💁🏻♂️
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.