Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
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A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it’s on his ring finger, he’s married. If it’s not, he’s a guy who wears rings.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
John 3:16. Matthew 3:17. Luke 3:18. It was a very close race.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Answering: How are you?
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return
-incites follow-up questions
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.