me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
You Might Also Like
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.