@Dustinkcouch

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

- @Dustinkcouch

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@serialmatrix

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
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@semple42

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

@thepaulahunt

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

@wickedsuga

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@KattsDogma

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@GingerAtLaw

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

@SoVeryBritish

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

@Ygrene

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

@AndyAsAdjective

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day