me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

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My son just told me he wouldn’t kill baby Hitler b/c of what that would do to the space program. Not 100% sure if he’s a Nazi or just a nerd


Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.


Note to self: Don’t get so drunk and try to ride the zoo animals, no matter how friendly they are.


Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!


you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed


[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*


This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”


Thanks for telling me to take some ibuprofen for my headache, hotshot. If we’re ever in an apocalypse and need a doctor, I’m nominating you!