i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
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“Can I substitute my side salad for a bowl of gravy?”
-Me, at any drive thru
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Women love shy guys with some sensitive sensibilities. They also love confidence and assertiveness. So, have multiple personality disorder.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
He: Does he bite?
He: How does he eat then?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything
Friend: what the hell is that?
Me: it’s my putter, I made it myself from peanuts
Friend: that’s dumb!
Me: don’t be jelly of my peanut-putter