@likeursoperfect

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

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@desusnice

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

@Dani21013

“Can I substitute my side salad for a bowl of gravy?”
-Me, at any drive thru

@ALLCAPSBRO

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

@kimmie_1980

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

@chuuew

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

@djr_102

Women love shy guys with some sensitive sensibilities. They also love confidence and assertiveness. So, have multiple personality disorder.

@Try2StopME

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

@BoomBoomBetty

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

@envydatropic

Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything

@Woody_B_

Friend: what the hell is that?
Me: it’s my putter, I made it myself from peanuts
Friend: that’s dumb!
Me: don’t be jelly of my peanut-putter