@david8hughes

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

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@unburdenunbound

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

@Home_Halfway

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

@Adar79Angie

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

@ibid78

[commercial]
“I’m tired of fruits that taste good.”
Narrator: GRAPEFRUIT

@MissHavisham

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

@_davidlucas_

Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana:

“If a man lays with another man he should be stoned”.

@themicheniche

If a dude can tape a banana to a wall and call it “art”, I can call the mustard on my blouse “jewelry” and nobody can stop me

@OutrageousM

“What’s a good gift for someone who has everything?”

Meth. Next year they’ll have nothing it’ll be easier.

@wolfpupy

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it