Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

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Spider-Man: hold it right there, Chameleon

Chameleon: how’d you know it was me

Spider-Man: you’re disguised as Peter Parker

Chameleon: so

Spider-Man: *starts sweating*


mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?


me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?


What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?


Me: do you wanna play peaches?

Wife: *sigh* no

Me: *leaping from a tree top* I’m ripe!

Wife: 911? Yep, peaches again


All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say “See you next year” to be repeatedly tased.


[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.


Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.


So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet


Interviewer: give me an example of problem solving
Me: i was fired from my last job and now i’m applying for this one