Spider-Man: hold it right there, Chameleon
Chameleon: how’d you know it was me
Spider-Man: you’re disguised as Peter Parker
Spider-Man: *starts sweating*
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
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mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Me: do you wanna play peaches?
Wife: *sigh* no
Me: *leaping from a tree top* I’m ripe!
Wife: 911? Yep, peaches again
All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say “See you next year” to be repeatedly tased.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Follow your dreams, into traffic.
Interviewer: give me an example of problem solving
Me: i was fired from my last job and now i’m applying for this one