@david8hughes

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

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@_ElvishPresley_

Spider-Man: hold it right there, Chameleon

Chameleon: how’d you know it was me

Spider-Man: you’re disguised as Peter Parker

Chameleon: so

Spider-Man: *starts sweating*

@Skoog

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

@sonictyrant

Me: do you wanna play peaches?

Wife: *sigh* no

Me: *leaping from a tree top* I’m ripe!

Wife: 911? Yep, peaches again

@hunbothered

All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say “See you next year” to be repeatedly tased.

@prufrockluvsong

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

@ThisOneSayz

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

@Mom_Overboard

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

@daplusk

Interviewer: give me an example of problem solving
Me: i was fired from my last job and now i’m applying for this one