ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

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What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.


Sex is the most fun you can have in life without gaining weight or having a hangover the next day.


“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.


_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..


Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix


I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.


When Edison got the idea for the lightbulb, an oil lamp appeared over his head.


I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars


I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*