ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.