ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

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Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.


Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.


My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.


WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*


*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*


Lauren’s coming over.

“Lauren from work or the one who pretends to be a Dr?”

Lauren: Sorry I’m late, I removed a gooblyglop from a dinkis.


I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.


If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?


Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.