@MatCro

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

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@Underchilde

What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.

@deanna_ficco

Sex is the most fun you can have in life without gaining weight or having a hangover the next day.

@dshack8

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

@notalogin

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

@ObscureGent

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

@newstart43

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

@michaeljhudson

When Edison got the idea for the lightbulb, an oil lamp appeared over his head.

@alexlumaga

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

@Shut_up_Marissa

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!