@MatCro

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

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@RobDenBleyker

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

@Swishergirl24

My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

@Darlainky

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

@Sassafrantz

Lauren’s coming over.

“Lauren from work or the one who pretends to be a Dr?”

Lauren: Sorry I’m late, I removed a gooblyglop from a dinkis.

@shariv67

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

@Jenny4ashley

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

@AngryRaccoon2

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.