me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
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My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds