Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
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St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.