Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
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Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
me linking you to my twitter
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
HR said no more nunchucks.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots